Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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