do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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