i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
