So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My life is pants optional.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
