I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
