I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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