Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
