Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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