Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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