I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
