Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
