Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize