u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
