I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he thought i was a dude.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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