Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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