Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
