I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
