Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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