I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
