babies were throwing up all over the place
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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