every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
