Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
