So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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