And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sobbing to NWA
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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