i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
