Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
