I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
