In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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