I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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