I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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