I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can i not drive my cunt home
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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