clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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