and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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