I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
FUCK WHALES
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
