my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
