I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
