Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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