can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
