highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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