that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
