I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
