I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I cannot find my penis.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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