There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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