Just cropdusted the office
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
