So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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