The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
