i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
