You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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