Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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