Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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