I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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