I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
