But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
