he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
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I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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