I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
