I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
